5 Keys to a Long-Term, Healthy Marriage
by Neill Neill
No one expects to have problems in their marriage. In fact, many marriages start off as good marriages. But, over time, some marriages can turn stale or even hostile. At any given time, vast numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once-healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage that lasts.
If you were to explore, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can cause problems in a marriage, but neglecting these points can really put your marriage at risk.
1. Look after yourself first.
If you place your highest priority on your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual self care, you won't wake up one morning to realize you have been a household servant or a meal ticket for the past decade.
Encourage each other in self-care from the beginning and in times of greatest need you will be able to really count on each other. If you have neglected self care in your life, you or your partner may not be willing to work on your marriage when the going gets tough.
Your highest priority has to be to take care of yourself at all levels. Do whatever you need to do. Self-care is the ultimate in unselfishness.
2. Do not merge your identities.
Always remember that each of you is a person in your own right. You have an identity.
Women in many cultures are particularly vulnerable to the trap of merging their identities with their partner's, but men fall into it too. We call it "codependency" when identities merge.
If you find yourself already slipping into merger, work on getting out of it. Always defend strongly your partner's right and your own right to be your own persons. Merged identities are incompatible with a healthy marriage.
3. Enjoy the show.
Pay attention to the changes in your partner as he or she evolves throughout life, and enjoy the show. There will often be spurts of personal growth and sometimes periods of stagnation, but the constant is change. That's the flow of life.
It's truly fun to watch our kids grow. Why should watching our partners grow be any different?
There is nothing to be afraid of. In an intimate relationship you have the privilege and opportunity to observe up close the twists and turns your partner will go through as he or she evolves.
Everyone changes; it's just that the changes are more subtle in a 45 year old than in a 15 year old.
Support the growth even if you don't understand it. Expect your partner to support you too as you evolve.
When I hear someone say, "He's not the man (or woman) I married," I know they are missing this crucial point. If they say, "I can't change--that's just the way I am," they are missing the point at an even more fundamental level.
4. Never stop doing things together for fun and laughter.
No matter how difficult and serious life gets at times, never stop doing things together for fun--things that make you laugh. Laughter is a requirement of any satisfying life. Laughter with a partner is part of the cement that can keep you together for a lifetime. Neglect it at your peril!
5. If you want more excitement, take up skiing . . .
Stay deserving of your partner's trust by steadfast fidelity. No matter what, don't have an affair. It offers a very temporary burst of excitement, but it is an assault few marriages can survive. (Many times an affair is staged simply to end a marriage.)
To rebuild trust and commitment after an affair you will probably need professional help, and even then there are no guarantees you will ever regain the level of trust you once had.
If you are an excitement junkie, find a more respectful way to get adventure.
Take time today to remember why you first got married. Most marriages are worth the work for a healthy, satisfying end result.
Dr. Neill Neill, psychologist, author and columnist, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice, helping capable people who feel stuck. He is psychological consultant to the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, a private addiction rehab center for men. Dr. Neill writes practical articles to help you help yourself to a happier and more fulfilling life. He is the author of Living with a Functioning
Labels: successful marriages
How to maintain a healthy marriage
By meemee67
1
Compromise. You can't have your way all the time. Compromise is key. Sometimes you have to not basically give in, but be a bit more flexible and pliable. if you are too rigid and act like a child, needing to have control in every circumstance, this will only cause friction and fighting and who wants that?
Step
2
Be communicative. Talk about your day, talk about the news, a funny event, a future trip. Keeping the lines of communication open is healthy. It keeps things flowing and exciting.
Step
3
Allow for alone time. Just because your spouse wants a night out with the girls or guys, doesn't mean they don't love you. Everybody needs their own time and space with their friends or even by themselves.
Before you were a wife and a husband, you were and still are you, an individual. let go and when they get back to you after a few hours out, they will appreciate you a lot more. They will feel happier and when they are happy with themselves, they are happier with you.
Step
4
Respect their views and choices. If you are irate with your spouse because she or he didn't do what you would have done in a certain situation, understand he isn't you, she is not you. Respect and the reasons why they need to handle situations their own way. You married this person because of who they are, don't try to make them into you.
Step
5
Keep the romance. It isn't that we forget how to be romantic. Some of us are more so than others. It's that we tend to take for granted the people we are close to, especially our spouses.
Step
6
Be considerate. Don't take for granted that if your working late, you can just walk in the door at 11 pm. call, let him or her know you won't make it for dinner. If you know they can't bring their laundry in the morning because they have an extra early mtg, suggest to do them the favor. if it's you who has the car and she's on empty, fill her up. It is the little things that mean a lot. Pick up that movie they have been wanting to watch but because they know you don't want to see it, they haven't. Surprise them with flowers, a gift certificate, a shirt you thought may be nice on him , a tasting to a wine and cheese, anything you feel he or she would like, why not do it>
Step
7
Share each other's interests. Okay so he's not into meditating and she isn't into football. So what? There are other things you can find to do to share. How about camping or a night out dancing. Take up a dance class or a cooking class together? White water rafting, horseback riding, perhaps you can come together towards the end of the night and watch an old episode of seifneld or honeymooners?
Labels: successful marriages
Healthy marriage: Why love is good for you
From MayoClinic.com
The benefits of a healthy marriage have been carefully studied for decades. Statistically, people who are happily married live longer than do their single counterparts. They have lower rates of heart failure, cancer and other diseases and develop tighter networks of emotional support.
According to one Harvard University study, married women are 20 percent less likely than are single women to die of a variety of causes, including heart disease, suicide and cirrhosis of the liver. Married men enjoy an even greater benefit — they're two to three times less likely to die of such causes than are single men. Statistics have also shown married people are less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and other violent crimes.
The upsides of healthy marriages — those which enjoy strong commitment and open lines of communications — span both mental and emotional well-being. One study states definitively that the happiness of married people is significantly greater than that of the unmarried and remains true throughout the entire life cycle.
While the benefits are clear, the reason married couples live healthier lives is more elusive. Many experts postulate that the benefits of a healthy marriage have to do with cohabitation, financial stability and networks of social support. But the prevailing explanation has to do with stress management.
Hallmarks of a healthy marriage: All roads lead to stress reduction
The detrimental effect of stress on an individual's health is well known. Cardiovascular, hormonal and immune pathways are important to a person's well-being, and stress can negatively affect these systems.
Experts reason that married couples enjoy better health partly because they're better equipped as a team to handle and defray stress than are their single counterparts.
For example, in a healthy marriage, two people share the task of mowing the lawn, bringing in income or rearing children. With two people, you have twice as many resources to address daily demands. Conversely, a single head of household is more likely to face too many demands with not enough resources — the very definition of stress.
Marriage-related stress reducers: Basic themes
Many aspects of a healthy marriage contribute to stress reduction, such as:
More money. By pooling their incomes, married couples amass greater wealth over a lifetime than do single people. In addition, husbands and wives may have individual areas of expertise that can save them money running the household. For example, a spouse handy about the home might save the family money on home repairs, while another who's good at managing finances may preclude hiring an accountant.
Further, there are economies of scale in cohabitation. A married couple can live more cheaply than can a single person by sharing housing costs, utilities, groceries and health insurance.
In these ways, marriage may improve health by improving financial stability.
Expanded support network. A healthy marriage brings together two teams of friends and family, thereby multiplying the support network upon which a couple can rely to tackle life's ups and downs. This can translate into not only physical but also mental health benefits, such as a lower probability of depression.
Improved behaviors. People make different choices and adopt different behaviors once they're married. Healthy activities generally increase, and risky behaviors typically decrease, partly due to a sense of responsibility to a spouse. The results of these changes have a positive impact on your health.
For example, a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) study found in 2004 that married adults are about half as likely to be smokers as are single, divorced or separated adults. They're also less likely to be heavy drinkers or engage in behavior that leads to sexually transmitted diseases.
The lone exception: Weight control
The one negative health indicator for married versus single people comes in the area of weight. Studies show that married adults, particularly men, weigh more and have higher rates of obesity than do single adults. People who have never been married are the least likely to be obese.
Committed but unmarried couples don't show the same benefit
Of course, unmarried couples in a loving relationship may enjoy similar health gains. However, the CDC study indicates the relationship to health is in fact very different, in that unmarried couples don't reap as high a level of benefit as do those in a healthy marriage.
Because marriage entails a legal vow to stay together for life — often in front of family, friends and communities — the married couple and those who surround them are more likely to recognize and support that bond. Conversely, an unmarried couple doesn't receive the same social sanction and may develop a weaker network of support.
What about an unhealthy marriage?
Just as healthy marriages provide a host of benefits, unhealthy ones can have negative health consequences — such as a higher degree of depressive symptoms — as they can be an enormous source of stress.
A study of newlywed couples conducted at Ohio State University found that hostile and negative behavior was associated with a decline in immune system response. This can spur a number of health consequences, such as slower wound healing and greater susceptibility to infectious diseases.
Labels: successful marriages
A LifeCare ® Guide: Tips for a Healthy Marriage
Building and maintaining a healthy marriage takes time and effort. With the day-to-day pressures of work, children and chores it can be easy to neglect to nurture your relationship and to take your mate for granted. This guide is designed to remind you about the importance of fostering a healthy relationship. It offers basic tips to help you build a successful marriage every day.
Learn to communicate effectively. Communication is perhaps the most important key to a strong, healthy relationship. Effective communication requires you to be an active listener—listening without judgment and focusing on what your partner is saying—as well as expressing your own feelings in a positive, truthful way.
Make time for each other. Part of being able to communicate effectively is making time for meaningful conversations in a setting free of distractions. For example, turn off the television in the evening to make it possible to have a real conversation or order a pizza and catch up during a quiet night at home.
Fight fair. Don’t expect to agree on everything. An important part of resolving conflicts is being respectful of your partner’s feelings, even when you are arguing. Let your partner know you value what he or she is saying, even if you don't agree. Try to avoid criticizing, ridiculing, dismissing or rejecting your partner or what he or she is saying. If you’re feeling frustrated and feel as if your anger is taking over, take a time out from the conversation and agree to resume it at a specific time later. Note--If you ever feel as if you may physically hurt your partner, walk away and seek help immediately.
Make a commitment to your relationship. Make your relationship with your partner a priority in your life. A relationship is a work in progress. It needs attention and effort to grow. No matter how busy you are, make time to spend quality time together, even if you have to schedule out specific time slots on your calendars. Celebrate each other’s accomplishments together and support each other during harder times.
Express appreciation. Saying thank you can go a long way toward making your partner feel special and appreciated. Even though you may feel that your partner knows you care, it doesn’t hurt to say thanks—even for every day things like cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed, or taking out the trash.
Maintain a sense of humor. Laugh often with your mate and be willing to laugh at yourself. Maintaining a sense of humor can relieve stress and tension, and help you get through a difficult time together.
Learn to compromise. Compromise is important in any relationship, but it’s especially important in a marriage. If you disagree on an issue, discuss the problem calmly, allow each person to explain his or her point of view, and look for ways to meet each other in the middle.
Practice forgiveness. There may be times when your partner makes a mistake or says or does something hurtful—whether intentionally or unintentionally. While it’s okay to be angry, it’s also important to then let go of the anger and move on. If you constantly bring up past hurts, it’s difficult to have a mutually loving relationship.
Keep romance alive. Relationships are often romantic in the beginning, but as time passes and couples become distracted by other things—work, children, bills, the house—they often take each other for granted. Make your partner feel special by doing something romantic, no matter how small. For example, make breakfast in bed for your partner, make a date for a special night out, take a walk on the beach, or have a picnic.
Take time for yourself. It’s normal for couples to have different hobbies, interests and friends. While it’s important to spend quality time with each other, it’s equally important to spend time alone or with friends. For example, plan a girls’ or guys’ night out, take a kickboxing class or join a book club. By making time for yourselves, you’ll appreciate each other more.
Labels: successful marriages
How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage - - Conflict Management in Marriage
How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage - - Conflict Management in Marriage
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
All married couples have arguments, or rather fights. How you fight is the key to whether or not you will have a successful, long term marriage.
Fighting fairly in your marriage is a critical skill that you must learn.
The way you fight can often tell psychologists more than what you fight about. If done correctly, conflict and healthy, fair fighting, can strengthen your marriage.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: No More than 15 minutes -- at that point call a truce and set a time to discuss the issue again
Here's How:
Don't let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight. That's not fighting fair in your marriage.
If you are angry about something and don't try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go. Otherwise, you are not fighting fair.
If your spouse doesn't want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.
Fighting fair means you know what the issue is. Then, both of you stick to the subject.
Keep your fight between the two of you. Don't bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children.
Fighting fair means you don't hit below the belt.
Fighting fair means you don't bring up past history.
Fighting fair means no name calling. Even endearing terms and pet names can be hurtful when you are using a sarcastic tone.
Be careful how you use humor. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and can be hurtful.
Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
Don't interrupt during your fight.
Fighting fair means you don't blame one another make accusations.
Try to use 'I' sentences instead of 'you' sentences.
If the two of you are not extremely angry, try to hold hands while talking during your fight.
Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.
Tips:
Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free.
Remember to not fight to win, but to fight for your relationship.
Conflict is not the problem. All married couples have disagreements. It's not knowing how to effectively argue that creates difficulty in a marriage.
Don't use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another.
Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.
What You Need:
Conflict management skills
A sense of fairness
Putting your marriage first
Willingness to forgive
Ability to listen
Labels: marriage conflict
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How To Keep Your Sex Life Alive in Your Marriage
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
Filed In:Cheating & More Issues > Sex> Rekindling Passion
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How I Saved My Marriage
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Sex doesn't have to get boring in marriage. As the years go by, your sex life should get better. Here are some ways to keep your marriage and sex life fresh.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: varies
Here's How:
Communication is the key to a healthy and active sex life in a marital relationship, so talk with one another more!
Share with one another your sexual desires.
Talk with one another about your expectations concerning lovemaking. False or unmet expectations can hurt your marriage.
Sexual intimacy is a continuing process of discovery. True intimacy through communication is what makes sex great.
Sex in a long lasting relationship can deepen and become a richer experience. No matter how many times you have made love to each other, the wonder and awe of mutual attraction can still be there.
When life becomes busy, and schedules are hectic, plan for sexual encounters with one another. Make sex one of your main priorities.
Try to set the mood in advance.
If you want to have good sex at night, start the foreplay in the morning.
Let your spouse know you care and are thinking about him/her throughout the day by notes, e-mails, phone calls, hugs, etc.
Tips:
Being grouchy all day or ignoring your spouse during the day hurts your chances of having a positive lovemaking experience that evening.
Remember that sex isn't going to be perfect each time. Don't compare your sex life to the ones you see in movies or on television.
Recognize that abstinence now and then can be beneficial to your relationship if you start to lust after one another more.
What You Need:
Good Communication
Love for Each Other
Willingness to Make Time for Each Other
Labels: marriage-sex
Marriage Vows
Marriage Coaching
Don't let your job or the kids or volunteer work or time with friends and extended family interfere with your marriage.
Many couples today find that being married doesn't guarantee that they will have quality time with one another. If you are both busy, you have to plan to spend time together. Here are some ideas.
Difficulty: Easy
Time Required: Varies
Here's How:
Schedule a weekend just for the two of you. Write it on your calendar, put it on your computer planner, etc. Don't change it for any other event. You don't have to go anywhere.
Have lunch together once a week. On nice days, meet in a park.
Let your children know that you two need time alone together. Tell them they can knock on your closed bedroom door only if there is blood.
Walk around the block together.
Do chores together like the dishes or weeding. It may not sound like quality time, but it can be.
When you are running errands together, turn off the radio or CD player in the car and talk with one another.
Take showers together.
Spend 20 minutes a day in daily dialogue.
Arrange for a quiet evening at home alone once a month.
Hire a babysitter to watch the kids for a couple hours even though you are home. This works wonders!
Work out a deal with another couple to have them watch your kids overnight so you can have a romantic evening alone ... then you watch their children for them.
Schedule dates with one another. Having an evening or afternoon out together twice a month is a good beginning.
Volunteer to be a presenting couple on Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille or Engaged Encounter weekends.
When you travel together, don't take work on the plane or road trip. Spend that time talking with each other.
Have a one night stand with each other.
Labels: successful marriages
Powered by Psychology Today
What Makes Marriage Work?
Provided by Psychology Today
Research indicates you can get mad as hell or avoid conflict altogether. But the positivity must outweigh the negativity by five to one.
If you are worried about the future of your marriage or relationship, you have plenty of company. There's no denying that this is a frightening time for couples. More than half of all first marriages end in divorce; 60 percent of second marriages fail. What makes the numbers even more disturbing is that no one seems to understand why our marriages have become so fragile.
In pursuit of the truth about what tears a marriage apart or binds it together, I have found that much of the conventional wisdom--even among marital therapists--is either misguided or dead wrong. For example, some marital patterns that even professionals often take as a sign of a problem--such as having intense fights or avoiding conflict altogether--I have found can signify highly successful adjustments that will keep a couple together. Fighting, when it airs grievances and complaints, can be one of the healthiest things a couple can do for their relationship.
If there's one lesson I've learned in my years of research into marital relationships--having interviewed and studied more than 200 couples over 20 years--it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim "we never fight" is a sign of marital health. But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That's how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.
Although there are other dimensions that are telling about a union, the intensity of argument seems to bring out a marriage's true colors. To classify a marriage, in my lab at the University of Washington in Seattle, I look at the frequency of fights, the facial expressions and physiological responses (such as pulse rate and amount of sweating) of both partners during their confrontations, as well as what they say to each other and in what tone of voice they interact verbally.
But there's much more to a successful relationship than knowing how to fight well. Not all stable couples resolve conflicts in the same way, nor do they mean the same thing by "resolving" their conflict. In fact, I have found that there are three different styles of problem solving into which healthy marriages tend to settle:
Validating. Couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.
Volatile. Conflict erupts often, resulting in passionate disputes.
Conflict-avoiding. Couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.
Previously, many psychologists might have considered conflict-avoiding and volatile marriages to be destructive. But my research suggests that all three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the marriage's future.
"HEALTHY" MARRIAGE STYLES
One of the first things to go in a marriage is politeness. As laughter and validation disappear, criticism and pain well up. Your attempts to get communication back on track seem useless, and partners become lost in hostile and negative thoughts and feelings. Yet here's the surprise: There are couples whose fights are as deafening as thunder yet who have long-lasting, happy relationships.
The following three newly married couples accurately illustrate the three distinct styles of marriage.
Bert and Betty, both 30, both came from families that weren't very communicative, and they were determined to make communication a priority in their relationship. Although they squabbled occasionally, they usually addressed their differences before their anger boiled over. Rather than engaging in shouting matches, they dealt with their disagreements by having "conferences" in which each aired his or her perspective. Usually, they were able to arrive at a compromise.
Max 40, and Anita, 25, admitted that they quarreled far more than the average couple. They also tended to interrupt each other and defend their own point of view rather than listen to what their partner was expressing. Eventually, however, they would reach some sort of accord. Despite their frequent tension, however, they seemed to take much delight in each other.
Labels: successful marriages
Qualities of a Healthy Marriage
Several social scientists, in examining “healthy marriages,” have identified a number of traits, qualities and skills of people who had been able to maintain successful, satisfying relationships. These people:
1.
Share a healthy philosophy of life with clear ideals
2.
Are growing in friendship and respect as well as love for each other
3.
Share many interests and activities together
4.
Enjoy each other’s company
5.
Are trusting and trustworthy, are interpersonally honest yet tactful
6.
Are interdependent
7.
Are proud of each other’s achievements, and give realistic praise
8.
Are interested in and respect each other’s work
9.
Share in decision making
10.
Try to share and make monotonous work interesting, such as household chores
11.
Have realistic hopes linked to attainable goals
12.
Take responsibility for decisions and behavior
13.
Will, if education is needed to reach goals, patiently delay marriage to continue their schooling
14.
Have a mindset which sees problems as challenges to be solved
15.
Have usually been seriously interested in at least three other possible mates before making their final choice, and have affected “break-ups” in non-destructive ways
16.
Are able to live within their financial means
17.
Are ware of their weaknesses and show efforts at constructive change
18.
Use criticism wisely, but maintain a balance in which there is more praise than criticism
19.
Are "real" people, genuine and authentic
20.
Find that the growing relationship helps each person become more sure of him/herself
21.
Engage in healthy physical activities – get adequate nutrition, exercise and sleep
22.
Restrict their use of sarcasm, nagging, embarrassment and complaining
23.
Enjoy talking and listening to one another, even when discussing areas of conflict
24.
Experienced courtships that were not frantic or rushed (over 60% of the early divorces were due to hurried marriages- where the couples were very young, not well acquainted, and where the engagement period was very short)
25.
Are empathic and attempt to understand and meet their partner’s needs
26.
Did not elope (4/5 of couples who elope, divorce)
27.
Enjoy giving of themselves to others – they desire to give as well as to get
28.
Used their courtship time to thoroughly get acquainted, and grow in love
29.
Carefully consider the issues that face them, evaluating the pros and cons of alternatives. They try not to jump to hasty conclusions regarding important relationship issues
30.
Marry out of respect and affection, not out of pity or sympathy
31.
Enjoy each other’s families, in spite of their possible faults
32.
Talked through a number of sexual issues during their engagement period
33.
Enjoy a healthy, non-destructive and appropriate use of humor
34.
Are satisfied with the amount of affection demonstrated in their relationship
35.
Try to change personal habits that are irritating to their spouse
36.
Try not to dwell on past mistakes, but look ahead to ways of avoiding similar situations in the future
37.
Are able to forgive and receive forgiveness from one another
Labels: marriage success
THERAPY
MARRIAGE COUNSELING
Read more...
Conflict, Confrontation & Communication
Infidelity
Entrepreneurial Couples
Love, sex and intimacy
Maintaining a strong marriage
Balancing life as a dual-career couple
Breaking the cycle of co-dependence
Advice for Singles Only
Maintaining a Strong Marriage
A strong marriage requires constant and loving attention, which can be fun but is also hard work. This is because marriage changes as each partner grows and changes. For most people to be happy in their marriage they need to feel respected and cherished. For many, passion, trust, friendship and safety are other essential aspects of the relationship with their spouse.
Judith Wallerstein, in her book The Good Marriage, outlines nine critical psychological tasks that take place in a healthy marriage:
To separate emotionally from the family of one’s childhood in order to invest fully in the marriage and to redefine the lines of connection with both families of origin.
To build togetherness by creating the intimacy that supports is while carving out each partner’s autonomy.
To embrace the daunting role of parenthood and to absorb the impact of the baby’s dramatic entrance while the couple works to protect their privacy.
To confront and master the inevitable crises of life, maintaining the strength of the bond in the face of adversity.
To create a safe haven for the expression of differences, anger and conflict.
To establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations.
To use laughter and humor to keep things in perspective, and to avoid boredom by sharing fun, interests and friends.
To provide nurturance and comfort to each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.
To keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.
There are times when you might be struggling with one of these tasks. Maybe you’re having problems with your in-laws, experiencing sexual tension or you feel bored and isolated. You might need to seek the guidance of a marriage counselor to help you develop the tools you need to succeed.
Dr. Kathy Marshack can help you. She is accepting new clients and has two office locations for your convenience. If you live in the Portland, Oregon or Vancouver, Washington area (or can drive to these locations) please call to set up your first appointment. See Therapy FAQs for more information. If you live elsewhere, we can arrange telephone consultation or we are happy to advise you on how to locate a qualified marriage and family therapist in your area.
Labels: marriage success
Marriage is an interesting concept.
People marry for lots of reasons, and almost every instance ends up in a marriage.
Some marry for money, some marry for fame, some marry because it’s time, while others marry due to parental pressure.
The best reason to marry for me, is to marry for love.
While I was going through marriage counselling, our marriage counsellor told us, it’s not love that sustains the marriage, but the marriage that sustains the love.
I can be quite dense sometimes, especially when it comes to love, relationships and marriage.
I know the concept of marriage intellectually, but I feel that marriage having emotional components, it’s something that my mind cannot fully fathom.
Men and marriage sometimes are like chalk and cheese.
Not because we don’t respect the institution of marriage, but because it may be less ‘task-oriented’ than work.
At work, we know we clock in the 9-to-5 workday (more often it’s a 9-to-9 workday), but with marriage, there are no official marriage rules, there is no martial handbook.
Sure there might be the bible, popular bestsellers like The Rules, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
But what do they really know about the intricacies of marriage?
And for what matter what do I REALLY know about marriage (compared to what I THINK I know about marriage).
Buddhist monk Adjahn Brahmavisimo said “To know and not do is not to know.”
Marriage for me is a long learning journey, being sensitive and knowing that the marriage was the first step in the process.
Marriage is a process where we begin as marital newbies, get used to how each other is REALLY like, as opposed to our pre-martial perception of each other.
When you wake up one day and realize the other person either doesn’t leave the toilet seat down, or leaves the toothpaste uncapped, you will then see their ‘intra-marriage’ persona. Some may run screaming, thinking their soulmate has metamorphosised into some sort of alien creature shortly after the marriage ceremony. Still others may wonder about the mysteries of marriage, whether it’s meant to be, whether they’re destined not to access membership to the married people’s club.
For me, there’s no question about it.
Marriage is a journey of exploration and discovery, it ‘marries’ the best of two people into a combination that’s greater than the sum of the parts.
Labels: marriage success
Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage
by Neli A. Rogers, MS, LMFT
Most people believe marriage is important and that the family is the fundamental unit of society. People get married with great hopes to “live happily ever after,” but it is not easy to maintain the love and happiness they experienced during courtship in the day-to-day struggles of married life.
I have worked with couples for many years as a marriage and family therapist, and as such I have developed many practical ideas to help couples build a happy marriage. Here are my top ten tips.
Discover what makes each other happy. Couples need to live what I call the Golden Rule for Married Couples: Do unto the other as he or she would like it done. Often in a loving relationship, people tend to use projection—the subjective act of attributing one’s own feelings to others; the tendency to “hear” others’ feelings in relationship to one’s own self-concept and experiences. When spouses use projection, they think that what they want is the same as what their spouse wants. We are all individuals and we are all different. Therefore, what makes one partner happy may not necessarily be what makes the other partner happy. If you take time to find out what each other really wants and “do unto to the other as he/she would like it done,” your relationship will flourish.
Share alike in doing the household chores. Research has shown that couples who work together stay together. Both husband and wife need to feel they are equally yoked. This will bring a sense of equality in the marriage and will help prevent feelings of resentment that could come if one spouse is doing more for the family and relationship than the other. Couples need to be very clear about what is expected of each other regarding household duties. The most important rule to follow here is that both partners agree to the division of duties. Be clear and straightforward when discussing roles.
Be respectful and caring even when you are resolving conflicts in the relationship. When people are upset, they tend to act on their emotions. To be successful in relationships, sometimes people need to behave differently from how they feel. Couples need to learn how to regulate their emotions so they don’t “take it out” on each other. You should not engage in trying to resolve issues when you are too emotionally upset and unable to be reasonable and caring towards each other. If needed, take a time out, cool off first, and rehearse the conversation in your mind before you discuss it with your spouse. Make a firm decision never to be disrespectful to your partner even in the heat of battle.
Learn good communication skills. To be successful in marriage, you need to be able to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants in a straightforward manner. You also need to be a good listener. Allow your spouse to express his or her thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants freely and safely.
Learn how to stay in love. Spend time together building your relationship. When couples are courting, they spend a lot of time together, and when they are not together, they find ways to communicate often. After marriage, some couples drift apart. They no longer spend as much time together, are not as affectionate, and don’t devote special attention to each other as they did during courtship. This leads couples to lose their loving feelings toward each other. You need to spend quality couple’s time together frequently to continue to build the relationship. Go on dates regularly to have fun, not to discuss issues. Keep the love alive!
Maintain a healthy physical relationship. Physical intimacy is different for men and women. Both spouses should be mindful of each other’s needs and reach compromises that will fulfill these needs. After children arrive, it becomes more difficult for a couple to maintain the same level of physical intimacy, but you need to make time to keep your physical relationship a priority.
Do everything with common consent. People in happy marriages never do important things without an agreement between the spouses. Couples need to balance the feelings and interests of both partners when making decisions. You need to make sure you understand how important an issue is to each other and only decide on a course of action after you both have agreed and are happy with the decision. Don’t expect to have everything your own way; be willing to compromise.
Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship. Sometimes when people are in a conflicted relationship, they feel discouraged because they think the changes required to resolve their relationship issues are too great and they’ll never be able to accomplish such changes. However, often all you need to do is find one or two small but significant things to change, and this will alter the direction you are headed. Over time, these changes will lead you to a very different place. You may need the help of a professional to identify what these significant changes might be.
Be grateful for each other. Gratitude has been statistically linked to happiness and hope. In every relationship there are positives and negatives. Find the positives in your relationship. Be grateful for your partner and express your love and gratitude for each other daily.
Develop empathy. Empathy means to place oneself in another person’s shoes and understand how he or she feels. It is a process of partial identification with the feelings of others while still being aware that the others’ feelings are owned by them and are somewhat different from yours. It focuses upon the feelings of the other. When you have empathy toward your spouse, you will be more effective in applying the other tips for a successful marriage.
Labels: marriage success
Mothers At Home Offers Suggestions for Maintaining a Loving Marriage
January 2000
Many family counselors believe the best gift you can give your children this Valentine's Day is a strong marriage.
The minutiae of daily life, from household and job responsibilities to caring for children, can often take their toll on a marriage. Mothers A Home urges parents everywhere to take time to strengthen their marriages. Finding a few minutes a day to give affection, share concerns and offer emotional support goes a long way in maintaining a strong and loving marriage.
"The most important thing is that strong marriages tend to foster the next generation's healthy marriages," says Dr. Isabelle Fox, developmental psychologist and author of Being There: The Benefits of a Stay-at-Home Parent. "In a strong marriage, you are showing conflict resolution skills, kindness and consideration. If those values aren't shown at home, it's very hard for the child to learn them. And having a strong marriage frees us to relate with our children in a healthy way."
Mothers At Home is the nation's oldest and one of the largest non-profit support organizations for at-home mothers. Subscribers to our monthly journal, Welcome Home, often write to us sharing strategies with regard to how they handle challenges in their family life. Over the years, mothers from across the country have offered the following ideas for strengthening a marriage.
1. Begin with the right attitude: Your marriage comes first.
Your marriage will suffer unless you make it a priority, and continue to work at it. This is not always easy for busy parents. Little things count. Show each other affection, including a kiss goodbye and hello. Do small favors for each other, such as filling the gas tank for him or paying the bills for her. Teach your children what a happy marriage is by your daily example.
2. Schedule a few minutes of “Mom and Dad” time in the early evening.
Don't wait until the children are in bed to share your concerns, joys and events of the day. After arriving home from work, spend the first 10-15 minutes with the children. Next, it's mom and dad's turn. Let the children know that they are to allow Mom and Dad private time to discuss the day. Encourage your children to read a book, allow them to watch a short video or bring out a special toy or game while you enjoy some uninterrupted time for discussion and reconnecting.
3. Have a regular date night.
Go out together without the children on a regular basis. If finances are an issue, it doesn't have to be expensive. Go out for coffee and browse through the local bookstore together. You don't even have to leave the house. Swap baby-sitting with a neighbor; cook a nice dinner, light some candles and enjoy a romantic evening at home before it's time to pick up the kids. Spending time together away from the children allows couples to recharge their marriage and enjoy activities they may have done more frequently before children arrived on the scene.
4. Turn off the TV.
If your typical evening routine means separate rooms for work or TV, change your routine. If you prefer to read, discuss what you're reading. After the kids are asleep, turn on the radio and dance to your favorite old tunes. Play a game of cards, scrabble or chess. Cozy up to the fire and share your latest dreams. Get in the routine of taking family or mom-and-dad walks together after dinner or on weekends, even if it's just around the block. Mom and dad can have a few moments to focus undivided attention on each other in a pleasant setting away from the phone, TV and chores.
5. Have a daily "check-in".
Make it a habit to touch base at least once throughout the day to see how your spouse's day is going. If he's got a big meeting or project due, call after his appointment and find out how things went. If mom is home with the kids, dad could check to see how their day is going. When a spouse is out of town, leave an occasional message on his or her office voice mail or e-mail. It will be a pleasant surprise among a string of business messages. Slip a loving note into your spouse's brief case or bagged lunch as a special surprise. A loving, encouraging word can often give you or your spouse the strength you need to make it through a difficult day.
6. Focus on the positive, and bring a giving attitude to your relationship.
Consider the unique contributions that your spouse brings to your family and your relationship. Write down a list of the qualities you appreciate in your spouse. Then write a note to your spouse praising and thanking him or her for the unique and special qualities and efforts he or she brings to your family. Provide a positive example for your children by also frequently thanking your spouse aloud in front of them for his or her work and contributions. Romance often grows from valuing your spouse for his or her role as a parent, and for all he or she does for your family.
7. Play together.
Find a sport or other activity to do together or as a couple. For example, take up tennis lessons together. Or sign up as co-coaches of your son or daughter's soccer team, or join a couples’ book discussion group.
8. Work on keeping your marriage "young."
Once in a while, pretend you're still “dating.” Flirt, kid around and hold hands. Occasionally, visit the places you frequented when you were courting, such as a favorite park or restaurant. Go to bed at the same time. Even if you're exhausted, cuddling after a difficult day can keep the spark in your romance.
9. Get away together overnight or for a weekend.
Consider a second honeymoon or weekend away – adults only. Or ask grandparents or friends to keep the children overnight and surprise your spouse with a night on the town and an overnight stay at a local hotel. Being alone together for more than a few hours allows both spouses to relax away from the responsibilities of chores, house projects and children's homework assignments.
10. Share your short- and long-term goals and dreams.
On an annual basis, such as after the New Year or on your wedding anniversary, go out to dinner together to discuss your goals and dreams. Expressing your goals allows you to better see your future together, and helps you work together as a couple to achieve those goals.
Labels: marriage success
A Few Words of Advice on Maintaining a Loving Partnership
April Westfall, PhD
May 15, 2006
I'm at that stage of life at which many of my friends' children, not to mention my own daughter, are choosing to marry. At a recent wedding shower I attended, all the invited guests were asked to come prepared to speak on the subject of growing and maintaining a loving relationship. This is a rather difficult feat for a couple's therapist to do in a few words. I racked my brain as to what to say as I struggled to distill some wisdom from my own life and the thousands of couples I've worked with over the years. Lucky for me, the shower was only a week away. Like a good news reporter, I had to get the story out and to make some choices from all that could be said on what for me will always be a fascinating topic. So, these are my thoughts in this somewhat expanded version on maintaining a loving, committed relationship over the long haul, whether married or not.
Couples I work with often bemoan the fact that the qualities in their partner that attracted them to the person in the beginning are later what they find most difficult to tolerate. Those personality differences that brought the initial spark of passion now spark only heated arguments. So, when you find yourself struggling with your differences from your mate, try to remember that initial feeling that went with them and how you hoped that this person might change your life for the better.
Amidst your busy lives, try to find time each day to talk to one another and find out how you each are doing. Create rituals of connection in your marriage, whether it's starting the day with morning coffee before the children wake up or walking the dog together before preparing for dinner. Checking-in with each other regularly goes a long way toward preventing the emotional blunders that occur when you are too far removed from your partner's inner thoughts and feelings. Once a week, sit down with each other to deal with any issues that require more focused attention. Ongoing maintenance is as critical to the life of your marriage as it is to your automobile.
Occasional eruptions of anger are a normal part of marriage. If restraint is exercised, these expressions of anger can serve to clear the air and expunge some of the frustration that inevitably occurs in close, intimate relationships. In fact, couples who shy away from any show of anger may do more harm than good, as emotional distance comes to separate them and a "chilliness" sets in. Expressing anger in a healthy way is an art - and takes practice. Avoid damaging your relationship with name-calling and humiliation, even when furious with your partner. Never use information given in confidence as a weapon, especially concerning the more painful aspects of his or her childhood, if you want your partner to continue to trust you.
Handle your conflicts in such a way that there are no winners and losers. Attempt to see your partner's point of view, and he or she may be better able to respect your own way of doing things. Cultivate a habit of compromise. Refrain from always having to have the last word. Self-righteousness is an attitude destined to get you nowhere good in your marriage.
Mistakes - sometimes serious ones - are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship. Eventually you can and will do harm to your mate. When this happens, be accountable for your bad behavior. Contrary to the often quoted line from the once popular film, Love Story: "Love does mean having to say you're sorry." Saying so, when done with sincerity, can be the first step toward healing and moving on.
Continue to seek out activities that challenge you both and bring novelty and fun to your relationship. These activities are the antidote to marital boredom. Whether you enjoy traveling together or decide to train for a marathon or take up salsa dancing, have fun!
Cultivate a soulful and deeply physical bond with your partner. Avoid the Cartesian split that ails so many couples in the Western world. Never forget the art of seduction, which continues to play as important a role post-marriage as it did during the early courtship period. At the same time, be realistic about what marital sex is all about. As borne out by research, married couples who report the greatest sexual satisfaction have their own fair share of mediocre and disappointing sex, just like everyone else. What separates them from other couples is their resilience in the face of disappointment. They accept disappointment as an occasional part of good sexual intimacy, and when it happens, they worry less and look forward to better times together in the near future.
Honor the dreams you share together as well as those you hold separately, whether you hope to raise happy and successful children together or one of you hopes to write "the great American novel." Respecting these life goals lends a sense of purpose and seriousness to your life together.
Be there for each other during the tough times: "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health." Having a loving, devoted partner with you at the most difficult moments strengthens your bond as much as celebrating your successes together.
Seek out friends and family members for whom you both care deeply. These people bring energy to your relationship and bring out the best in each of you for you to see.
When you find yourselves in a marital rut, as invariably happens over time, be generous with your partner and your marriage. To borrow from the wise injunction from the late John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your marriage can do for you, but what you can do for your marriage." Don't worry that you are the first one to take corrective action. Consider this a sign of strength rather than a capitulation.
Finally, remember to try to bring laughter and humor to your familiar and repetitive struggles and more troublesome moments, which allow them to be gotten through more easily or simply endured.
Anyhow, best wishes and good luck in your future together!
Labels: marriage success
Hi. I'm Mort Fertel, creator of Marriage Fitness.
I've been where you're at and I have answers for you. Before I share with you how to have a happy marriage (below), I want to offer you FREE help and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached.
All you have to do is sign-up in the box to the right and I'll email you both.
After your free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further how you can help you create a happy marriage.
Now here's some advice for starters.
Do you need help finding ways to maintain or recreate the love in your marriage? Here are four key ingredients for a happy marriage. Consider it a “recipe” for love.
1) Marriage ingredient number one is called a “Talk Charge”:
A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive, LOVING, verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON LOGISTICAL matter. If you're like most couples, you need to start talking again. Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting person you met today or the experience you had jogging in the park. If you want a happy marriage, make a point of doing a Talk Charge today. You don’t have to be all sweetsie if you don’t want to. Just make sure you don’t discuss anything logistical. Your relationship will benefit immensely from consistent, positive verbal interactions like these.
2) Add a fair amount of “Touch Charges”:
A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a LOVING physical gesture with your spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment. You should make it clear that you're touching them solely to connect. Do something you know will make them happy. Perhaps this will be a warm kiss or a gentle rub. You could stroke their cheek or massage their shoulders, whatever you know they enjoy. It only takes a moment, but the positive energy can carry you through an entire evening. And it when done consistently it will do wonders for your marriage.
3) Try some “Giving” for seasoning:
What could you give your spouse that would make them glow and look at you with intense appreciation? Did they recently mention they wanted something? What's your spouse’s favorite dessert? Favorite flower? Favorite spot for a romantic retreat? Try thinking of a gift you could give that would make your spouse really happy. Then give it to them. Do this often and watch your marriage improve.
4) Finally, a happy marriage requires a healthy dose of “Getting Involved”:
A strong relationship is created when both spouses are committed to being involved with one another. This will require a shift in thought, a “Move from Me to We.” Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being involved in each other's lives. It’s not about being independent; it’s about being successfully INTERdependent. Do you remember when you used to visit each other at work? Meet each other’s family and friends? When you were happy to help each other out? That’s the ticket! The idea is to get involved somehow in your spouse’s interest. This simple action will give your relationship a boost where it needs it.
The above “ingredients” can be added to your marriage in any order. Don’t be afraid to experiment either. Your own recipe for lasting love will take some time and adjustments, but if you follow these steps, you are on your way to a happy marriage.
Want the rest of the recipe? I have much more FREE advice for you and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached. All you have to do is sign-up in the box to the right and I'll email you both. After the free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further about an alternative to marriage counseling.
.
I've been where you're at and I have answers for you. I'll explain more in a moment. Do the free sign-up and I'll see you on the next web page.
Labels: marriage success
MAINTAINING A HAPPY LOVING MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP LOVE GUIDELINES
By Guide
Rule #1 - Refrain from developing bitterness and resentment for each other. Bitterness and resentment may develop when one person feels they are unfairly carrying the burden of the relationship, or when one partner feels that the other partner has hurt them in some manner. Communication is always a key in relationships, couples need to learn to communicate in a manner that their consort will understand, and at a level of maturity that does provoke bickering or hinder growth. Issues need to be talked through, and couples need to be willing to compromise for one another, as well as for the relationship. Consider developing an attitude that puts the relationship itself in the forefront, you are now entwined as one.
Thoughtfulness: If you consider how much time you have during the course of a day, I bet you could find some time to think of your spouse. You could think of all the things you appreciate about them, and how you would like to communicate your love to them. You could think of something you would like to do with them, for them, or just to surprise them. Even if you are often busy and on the go, you can find time to consider ways to love your spouse in thought. After that it only takes a little thoughtfulness to bring your desire into reality. Ask yourself this question; What have I done lately for my wife, (or husband), because I love her, (him), that I wanted to reciprocate or express my love for them in a manner in which I knew they would enjoy? You ever notice when one person tickles someone, the other one wants to tickle back? Have some fun together, life if far more than going to work and paying bills.
What about the millions of little things you could do or say to improve their day? You can always look for safe sensible things to do that will lighten your partners load around the home. Helping them with their burdens may very well help you both have more time for togetherness. Every little considerate thing you do will convey a message of loving intent. Guys, you can always be perceptive enough to make sure there is paper on the holder or thoughtful enough to pick up and organize things, (especially if those items are yours). Be on the lookout for loving opportunities that will convey your care, concern, and love for your spouse. Take the time to verbally communicate to them what they mean to you and how much you love them. Always acknowledge them in fashion that makes them feel special, never demean, degrade or belittle your spouse, words have the power to cut like a knife. Always consider what your behavior is communicating to your mate, Love Builds Up. Please repeat those last 3 words until they become embedded in your mind, in your heart, and in your spirit, Love Builds Up! Keep in mind, the information you store in your brain is what you will later access in situations. Love Builds Up.
Too often people go around looking at the ten percent of things in their lives that are not going well, and they miss the 90 percent of things for which they are fortunate. Perspective is a choice, what you choose to dwell upon will greatly effect your entire attitude. Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching? Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.
He who covers an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9
Out of love you can choose to overlook spilled milk, both partners have imperfections, those blemishes are opportunities to promote love. In many relationships there is far too much made out of trivial issues. Stop making big deals out of petty issues, move in love beyond fault finding, proceed towards a loving togetherness.
A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11
Communication is significant in relationships, both mates need to be able to voice their thoughts, concerns, and feelings in a mature healthy manner. There are important topics that will need to be discussed, and because the partners are both human, there will be areas of disagreement. Both spouses should be able to communicate their opinions in a loving respectful manner. These situations open the door for understanding, compassion, and compromise. The problem is the solution, within these discussions are more in depth connections between the partners, and opportunities for each of them to communicate love for one another. Couples are learning more about each other, and gaining in their abilities to reason and compromise in their love for one another.
To maintain a happy joyful marriage, seek to incorporate these love guidelines into your loving togetherness efforts.
Topics: Marriage Issues |
4 Responses to “Maintaining A Happy Loving Marriage Relationship Love Guidelines”
1
James Sokiri Says:
June 11th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
These are excellent tips for me and my family.
Thanks a lot for them and send more to me.
I will have a print out of it for my family.
2
Relationships » Advice For Healthy Relationships, Honest Character Dating Distinctions Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Relationships » Maintaining A Happy Loving Marriage Relationship Love Guidelines on Advice For Healthy Relationships, Honest Behavioral Distinctions
3
Relationships » Fixing Your Spouse, Fixing Marriages Husband Wife Relationships Says:
July 7th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
This Love Advice The Best Relationship Love Advice Ever Love Guidelines For A Happy Marriage Love With An Otherness Mindset Say I Love You With Heart I Love You, An Outward Expression
4
Relationships » Virtues List, Positive Character Attributes Healthy Love Traits Says:
July 28th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Love needs to be intertwined with positive character attributes, in a complex mental state involving beliefs, feelings, values, and…
Labels: marriage success
50 Quick and Easy Ways to Calm Your Anxiety
Published on Monday 28th of July, 2008
By Christina Laun
Whether you're worried about work, home or personal issues, stress and anxiety can take a heavy toll on your mental and physical health. Many serious illnesses are caused in part by stress, and constant worry can leave you feeling worn down, irritable and out of control. So how can you learn to manage your anxiety? While everyone manages their stresses differently, here are a few things to try the next time you're feeling overwhelmed by anything in your life to help you relax and put things in perspective.
General
Try these simple things to ease your anxiety.
Exercise. Few things can help relax you more quickly than a bit of vigorous exercise. Whether you kickbox, jog or play a game of tennis, getting your body moving will help reduce endorphins, improving your mood and making you feel better about anything you're worried about.
Meditate. When you feel yourself being overwhelmed with anxiety, try taking a few minutes out of your day to clear your mind of your worries and meditate. If you have trouble doing it alone, try using a guided tape or music designed especially for meditation.
Breathe deeply. Sometimes just concentrating on your breathing can have a calming effect on your state of mind. Count your breaths and concentrate on breathing in and out deeply.
Focus on something else. Fight your anxiety by temporarily shifting your attention to something else unrelated to what you're upset about. You may find that once you're done you feel much better about the situation and are much more relaxed.
Talk to others. Connecting with a friend or family member and sharing your anxieties can be a great way to get insight, advice and to alleviate some of your stress by getting support and understanding.
Clear your mind. When you are feeling stressed out you can have so much going through your mind that it simply seems overwhelming, only adding to you anxiety. Take a few moments to step back and clear your mind of all of it before starting anything else.
Slow down. Give yourself a break and just slow down if you're feeling stressed out. Getting yourself worked up to rush around won't help, so slow down, take a break and let yourself relax.
Don't work yourself up. When you're worried about something it's easy to focus on it and get yourself super worked up so that you just want to break down. Stop yourself if you feel that you're getting yourself riled up, and force yourself to calm down and look at things rationally.
Let the past go. If you're feeling bad about things that have already happened, take a moment to realize that there's nothing you can do to change these things now. Take steps to begin letting the past go and making positive choices for the future.
Count to ten. Sometimes anxiety can take over and make you feel out of control. Take back control by counting to ten, breathing deeply and concentrating on calming down.
Be optimistic. No matter what you're feeling anxious about, you can help make yourself feel better by taking an optimistic view of things rather than focusing on all the things that could go wrong.
Learn to let go of control. Even the most carefully planned events in life can take unexpected turns. Sometimes the only cure for anxiety caused by these things is to simply give up control and let someone else take over.
Look at the big picture. Sometimes things that don't really matter in the long run can get you all worked up in the present. Remind yourself of how your worries will fit into the larger picture of things and it may give you some perspective.
Face it head on. If nothing else works, just try facing your worries head on. Many times, things will be easier, better or simpler than you had anticipated and your worries will have been unfounded.
Diet and Supplements
These tips can help you make some changes or additions to your diet to minimize your anxiety.
Limit your intake of caffeine. Caffeine is a stimulant and can add to any existing anxiety and make you feel worse than you would otherwise. If you're stressed, avoid drinking coffee or other caffeinated beverages.
Try lavender oil. Some people believe that the smell of lavender has a calming effect. Try lighting a candle or putting some lavender oil on your skin or in a bath to help you relax.
Make a cup of tea. Tea, especially green and black teas, contain theanine which is purported to have a calming effect on the mind and body. So boil some water and make yourself some tea to relax.
Cook yourself a meal. Getting involved in the process of preparing, cooking, and eating a meal can be a great distractions from a number of stresses. If you're really feeling down, try making your favorite meals or comfort foods.
Have a snack. Some studies have suggested that low blood sugar can be a major contributor to anxiety. Make sure your body is running on a full tank by having a healthy snack.
Consider herbal supplements.If you're into natural remedies you may want to consider taking some herbal supplements like valerian root, L-theanine, and passion flower.
Have some milk. The age old remedy of having a warm glass of milk to relax may actually work. Milk contains tryptophan which can help settle you down and make you sleepy.
Enjoy pesto for dinner. Basil has shown to be a very calming herb, so what better way to get your fill of basil than by making a pesto?
Indulge in chocolate. Eating a small amount of high quality dark chocolate may help you to relax and will help indulge your chocolate cravings as well.
Chew on mints. Mint can help with lowering feelings of anger and nervousness, so have a mint or add fresh herbs to dinner to feel better and smell fresher.
At Home
For stresses at home, give these suggestions a try.
Light a scented candle. Certain scents can have a calming effect on your state of mind. Try a candle scented with lavender or a another smell like chocolate or baking cookies that may help you relax.
Indulge yourself. Whether you enjoy a glass of fine wine or soaking in a long bubble bath, take time to indulge in some simple pleasures to soothe your anxieties.
Take a shower or bath. The hot water and relaxing sensation of a shower or bath can help wash away your anxieties and help you feel better.
Get a massage. Seek out a professional or get your spouse to give you a massage. It can help relieve some of the physical and mental symptoms of stress.
Do something you enjoy. If you love to browse bookstores or take long walks in the park, take some time out of your day to do these things. You'll have fun and spend some time away from your worries.
Work at some simple chores. Doing some work around the house like sweeping, washing the dishes or gardening in the yard can be a great way to relieve stress, get things done and ease your mind.
Lay down. One way to get your anxiety under control is to take a short nap. Sleep will relax you and give you a chance to take your mind off of things.
Watch a funny movie or comedy routine. Laughter really can be the best medicine sometimes, especially when it comes to dealing with stress. Pop your favorite movie into the DVD player or turn on Comedy Central to have a few laughs and forget your troubles.
Write in a journal. If you can't find someone to talk to or just want to privately vent, try writing in a journal. It can be a great way to organize your thoughts and get your bottled up emotions out.
Do some yoga. Yoga can help both your mind and body by helping you stretch your muscles and concentrating on your breathing.
Go for a jog. Jogging can help you get some exercise which will relax you and will get you outside in the sunlight and fresh air.
Research your problems. If you just can't get your mind off of your troubles, trying researching how you can work around them, overcome them or deal with them through books, the internet and chatting with others.
Read a book. Try picking up a book to help you escape to another place and concentrate on a fictional character's problems rather than your own.
Spend time with a pet. Playing with, walking or just enjoying the company of a pet can be a great way to relax. The love and affection pets provide can be a great stress reliever, and you'll get to spend time with something you love.
At Work
Work can be a stressful environment, but you don't have to suffer from constant anxiety with these suggestions.
Take a break. While it may seem counterintuitive when you're stressed out at work, taking a break can have a beneficial effect on your mental state. Take a few minutes to get away from your desk and the source of your stress.
Go outside. Sunlight is a natural mood booster, so getting outside and away from your desk can be a great way to lift your spirits.
Take a walk. Getting a little exercise and even getting outside of your cubicle can really help alleviate stressful situations. Walk around your office, take a trip to get a drink or anything else that will give you space and room to think.
Create a plan of attack. When you're faced with an overwhelming and anxiety-inducing situation, you can help yourself by working to create a way to deal with the situation. Sit down and write out how you plan to get through it, step by step.
Avoid coworkers who may make it worse. Some people just love to feed the flames of stressful situations. If you have a coworker like this, make sure you steer clear of them until you've had a chance to calm down.
Put on some relaxing music. If you're sitting at your desk, put on some headphones and let yourself be relaxed by your favorite tunes.
Step back. Sometimes situations seem impossible to deal with at first. Give yourself some time and space to step back from the situation to view it objectively so you can figure out how to deal with it and calm down to think clearly.
Don't rush. Even if you have a million things to do at work that are stressing you out, rushing won't help: it can actually make you even more stressed. Slow down and do your work right the first time so you won't have to go back and fix errors you made from rushing.
Ask for help. If you really just have too much on your plate at work don't be afraid to ask your coworkers for help. Projects have to get done one way or another and it can help to get things done as a team rather than having all the stress just on you.
Read something funny. Take a break from your work to have a laugh. Laughter can help alleviate all the stress that's causing your anxiety.
Talk to your coworkers. Getting your feelings out to someone you work with may help you find new ways to cope, create solutions or just help you relax.
Talk yourself through a situation. Believe in yourself and know that you can get through a situation, and you're likely to be much less stressed. Give yourself a pep talk and talk your way through anything you need to do to help reduce your anxiety.
Labels: marriage and anxiety
